White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
