Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
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Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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