Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
