do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I still have a little drunk in my system
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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