i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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