i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
