Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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