break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
