the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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