The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
