When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize