the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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