I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
