College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
