allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize
