I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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