My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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