four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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