just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
