I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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