i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
