I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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