her vagina looked like bernie madoff
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
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I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
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I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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