this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
