Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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