Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
