Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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