my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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