im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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