So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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