I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
