SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
