He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
