its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
