Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
