capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
