I just pynch a tree in the face
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
