i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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