this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
