hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
