I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
