My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
