he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
