we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
