it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
