You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
