1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
