Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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