i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
