:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
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He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
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I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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