In America we eat man semen.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
The beer is more important than you right now.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
