i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
