dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I look better un-naked...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
