I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
