You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I could make wine with my vomit
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
