I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
