yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
